What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

This is soul school!.

But ive been too sick for many years..

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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

He knew the spot.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Can supporters of gun control explain the purpose behind a gun registry?

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Ive learnt so much.

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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Why are white women so hard to date?

She married twice! .

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

What 10 things have you stopped doing in your life?

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

What are the main issues that have historically and currently divided Republicans and Democrats?

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

My life is so biszare .

Why can’t the British eat or drink anything unless they place a table cloth on the table first?

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

How do you handle your mother-in-law after you heard her talking badly about you in the next room?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

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Where the ultimate outsiders.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

All the time i was locked up.

I could never make a relationship work though!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

As i do to all so called friends.?

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I couldn’t, believe it.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

She loved him until the end.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Why did i forgive my father ?

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I never cut or harmed myself..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I said to her

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

We all went to grammer schools

I write beautiful poetry .

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I was scared of men, in general

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

He resisted the act ,that day.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

My family never makes their pension either.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I think the readers, may guess!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

What did i know ?

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Comes on , in middle age.

But it wasn’t much.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Especially a lifetime of it.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Put me off passion for life!!

I was 9 years of age.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

She was in good health!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

And i lived it daily.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

One cannot live in the past .

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

It was going to be , some day.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I was very sick at this time too.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Would this be the day?

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

When she asked me how she looked .

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I don,t even have a pension.

So whats the point in blame.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Im still living with it.

So, i spoilt her more .

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We were not on the streets..

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I waited trembling.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

She found it foreign!.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

(And it was in our own minds.)

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Who then, do I blame.?

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I was seconnd youngest,

I have no regrets .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

She wouldn,t have been !

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I will be 64.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

But, we were locked up after school.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.